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May 25, 2005
Gel
Why is spiky pretty?
Why is shiny nice?
Why is moulded oh so fine?
Hair these days is so precise.
More definition, you wayward curls!
Stand up straight, you floppy lengths!
Left, not right, oh rebel fringe!
You will do what I tell you, sort of!
What is wrong with what God gave us?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH WHAT GOD GAVE US?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH WHAT GOD GAVE US? (If I could work out how to use a bigger font here, I would)
Why seek to alter and improve His work?
I mean, admittedly, I am not against all forms of artificial appearance improvement – makeup, for example. I don’t mind makeup - especially on prostitutes who would otherwise seem of questionable age. You want to feel like you’re getting your money’s worth, even if you’re really not.
When I was down in Melbourne for the comedy festival, I wanted to look Nice, because there are lots of trendy people around, and sometimes I try to be trendy too, even though it is a difficult and painful experience for me. So one night I used Too Much Cheap Gel. It dried and kind of frosted, so instead of my desired effect of Being Cool, I looked like I had the most abominable dandruff in the entire world.
Abominable Snowman: Hey!
All right, second most abominable. Anyway, I had to rub my hands through my hair repeatedly until it was all gone, which left my hair all boofed up and crazy and still dandruff infested and worse than before. And the only stuff I had to correct this was the Shitty Fucking Cheaparse Gel that created the problem in the first place.
So I went out with pretty dumb looking hair that night. But, oh well. I guess that’s what you get for trying to make a difference.
Not always of course. If you wanted to make a difference by helping some homeless kids get off the street, for example, I don’t think the result would be shite hair. Unless they mugged you even after you gave food to them, the ungrateful swine, and mussed it up in the process.
Anyway, Squeakfeather is whispering that I’m up past my bedtime, so I better get off to bed and lie awake for a few hours.
Posted by Sam Bowring at 04:02 AM | Comments (0)
May 24, 2005
Another End
Yay, I finished rewriting my book today.
It's a fantasy book I have worked and reworked for the past ... god, must be four years now. I mean that’s not ALL I was doing. I’ve done others things in that time as well, which include, in no particular order:
1) Been in a car that almost ran over an echidna, which was very scary for both us and him. If you’ve got to run over something, a living spikeball is not your best pick.
2) Not many breakfasts.
3) Some standup comedy.
4) Drugs.
5) Experienced a very faint ingrown toenail that I kept making and canceling doctor’s appointments over because it really wasn’t very bad and eventually went away of its own accord, but I really pissed off the receptionists in the meantime.
6) Gone to Thailand and played volleyball with Odi the crazy waiter/ladyboy who always made us feel guilty that his lessons in speaking Thai didn’t seem to rub off on us, and wouldn’t get us our damn food if we couldn’t say what it was. We were stoned all the time Odi, we could barely remember each other’s names! ‘Mat kow prah’ yourself! Sorry we didn’t mail you those gumleaves you wanted.
7) Gone through several cheese phases.
8) Become the owner of a murderous Bristlenose Catfish called Lurker, who the Pet Store Guy would not believe was capable of such crimes because Bristlenose Catfish are REKNOWNED for being benign community fish, even though I watched EVERY OTHER FISH IN MY TANK disappear into Lurker’s Tunnel of Terror, located just under the filter. Including an eel! Admittedly it was a wimpy little eel, but still. AND YOU OVERSTEPPED THE MARK WHEN YOU TOOK DR BUMBLES, LURKER! That was why I had to ‘let you go’.
So it’s been pretty action packed! But yes ... the book is finished, for the meantime. I wonder if a publisher will pick it up? Be at a bit of a fucking arse shit if it didn’t. Might as well have spent the last four years sowing fork warmers.
I upload it here to my private diary as a way of backing it up.
Posted by Sam Bowring at 12:43 AM | Comments (0)
May 01, 2005
Sunday Night Again
Wow! There certainly are a lot of exciting things going on in my life that would be worth recording in my diary, haha! But instead:
List of Animals I Have Spotted Inside My Current House
1) King Charles Spaniel (1) (now deceased)
2) Goldfish (3) (now deceased)
3) Stick Insects (20 – 25) (now either sold to a pet shop or set free, presumed deceased)
4) Large Huntsman (1) (could be anywhere now)
5) Various Small Spiders (20 +)
6) Cockroaches (20 +)
7) Girls (20 +)
8) Rabbit (1) (Kent’s pet Bastian, not deceased but planning is in progress)
9) Kent (1) (my housemate, supposedly some form of man)
10) Beetles (10, maybe)
11) Mosquitoes (50+)
12) Flies (50+)
13) Bees (10) (always in my bedroom)
14) Leopards (0)
15) Caterpillars (5) (only briefly were these in the house - I was taking them from the balcony to the ‘backyard’. I do not care about the ‘backyard’. Anything a bug eats out there is something I don’t have to hate anymore.)
That’s all I can think of for now. I’ll be sure to update this important information should anything else cross my path!
Posted by Sam Bowring at 11:05 PM | Comments (0)