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November 21, 2005
The Vole Strikes
Dear Diary
Well, it has been an unforgivably long time my darling! No doubt you feel very neglected. I have sometimes felt neglected too, so has everyone, get the fuck over it, you’re not special.
Things have happened since my last entry, many colourful things.
Today I remembered the first time I went to a club. I was 18, and my more experienced club-going friends had this cheat when it came to paying for entry. Roughly a third of the group would pay legitimately for entry, then put sticky tape on the fresh stamps on their wrists, then go back out to the others outside and give them crappy second-hand stamps. Then the bill was split between everyone. JESUS! What kind of crazed animal was I? I suppose it’s best I was inside a club, rather than roaming the streets striking fear into the hearts of all with my criminal ways.
Anyway, I got my crappy second-hand stamp, faint enough to look like the kind of bruise you get from bumping into a moonbeam. Nervous, afraid, scared and other synonyms, I walked down the club stairs to show the bouncer my smudge. He looked at it, looked at me, and we had this exchange:
BOUNCER MAN
This stamp is very faint.
SAMMYKINS BOW WOW
I bin dancin’.
BOUNCER MAN
What time did you come in?
MR SAM
Um ... like 10:30, 11:30 I’m not sure.
Note: I think this was at about 11:45.
BOUNCER MAN
You must have some idea of what time you came in.
SAMMY SAM (doing very bad impression of indignation)
I think it was like 11.
BOUNCER MAN (to the door girls)
Hey – do you recognise this guy from coming in before, around 11?
The door girls look at me. I look back. I hope to look endearing. Some moments pass.
DOOR GIRLS (slowly)
Yes.
BOUNCER MAN (disgusted)
Here’s a new stamp. (stamps me) Go in.
To this day I don’t know whether those door girls were being nice, being uncertain, couldn’t give a shit, or were so hopped up on razzle dazzle that I seemed to them more like an enormous vole who would steal away the starlight if they fucked with my aura.
Earnest would be his name, I think.
Anyway, that wasn’t really an update on things that have happened since my last entry. So ...
I wrote a play that went on recently, that was fun. Oh, and I invented a new salad. It’s called ‘Explorer Salad’, because there’s so many different things in it that you never know what’s going to be around the next lettuce leaf. It is so amazing that it takes longer to describe than to eat, especially if you are eating it at the time.
Oh and also, Squeakfeather has informed me that my neighbours are plotting to tap into our pipes and steal our hot water away. I told him to give them hell, in that special way that only a flying pink mouse can. It can be freaky, trust me.
And that’s about it!
Stay tuned, me.
Posted by Sam Bowring at November 21, 2005 11:55 PM