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December 13, 2005
Bats
Bats, bats!
Can they play the piano?
No.
Bats bats!
Are they good at maths?
I don’t think so.
Bats bats!
Do they play chess?
Oooooh, no they don't.
Bat bats!
Do they fly at night?
Well that’s right!
This is an excerpt from my new children’s story, called ‘The Ways of Bats’. It is an educational book, with accompanying illustrations, such as bats sitting around a piano looking confused, even the clever one with glasses.
It uses humour to appeal to a child’s mind – for example the very notion of a hairy flying rat being able to successfully tend and rear hydroponic tomatoes is blatantly a contradiction of some kind of universal law (the verse that deals with this is not included in the excerpt above).
MEANWHILE, with the conscious mind distracted, the child’s primeval knowledge filters are working overtime under the deluge of hard reality facts about bats.
It’s perfect.
I am printing off several dozen copies to send to various publishers, then I’ll play them off against each other.
I better go, Squeak Feather is getting curious about what I’m doing and I’d rather not tell him. He once dated a bat, and it ended pretty badly. He still speaks well of the 1/8th of a mile high club though.
Posted by Sam Bowring at 12:20 AM | Comments (0)
December 11, 2005
Monthly Book Review
“Drivers must keep calm under all circumstances. If someone affects you with bad driving, do not display symptoms of ‘trolley rage’. These include shouting abuse, violent gestures, or hurling the little bowls of chilli sauce.”
Excerpt from:
The Yum Cha Trolley
Official Driving Manual
I have been reading this book, hence my imminent review. I didn’t buy the thing obviously, I have no reason to earn the L plate required to drive a yum cha trolley. I did however have some yum cha today, and when I got home I discovered that Squeakfeather had thievishly sampled a bunch of things from ‘behind the scenes’ of the restaurant, as he likes to do, and stored them in my bag. This is one of the ways Squeakfeather learns about a place. He can’t read though, so he has taken very little interest in the book. Currently he is over the other side of the room nudging around half a lobster.
Anyway, this isn’t a history lesson, let’s get on with the review.
This yum cha trolley driving book is educational, and would be very useful to anyone thinking of getting into the profession of yum cha trolley driving. Here are some quotes from the pages within:
YOU MUST NOT DRIVE if the green tea levels in your blood measure more than 0.5 – that is dangerously relaxed. It is also imperative that you are up to date with your green tea slip.
Never talk on your mobile phone whilst driving a trolley. If you have to take the call, pull over, but be brief – chicken’s feet don’t walk themselves into people’s mouthes, do they?
If you’re passing a table with children underneath it, do not exceed 40km/hr.
All trolley drivers should be able to execute a three point turn whilst also executing a live squid.
Always check your blind spots in case you’ve passed customers without offering them pork buns.
I give this book two stars:
* *
See?
I only gave it two because it has such narrow subject matter. A bit more humour and plot, maybe some recurring characters, might have broadened appeal to make it suitable to a wider audience. The writer is very knowledgeable about his/her subject, but lacks flair. He/she needs to exhibit more personality with his/her words. Sentences like:
“Attach C screw 3/12ths with 2 * bolts for suspension increase 35% (if G is absent)”
just do not grab me, and I think the average reader will feel the same.
Who knows? Maybe give it a try, and see for yourself.
Nonexistent Person: Who are you referring too Sam? No one would be so rude as to break into your personal diary and read it. In fact, reviewing something in a diary which no one knows about makes no sense.
You’re right! What am I doing?
Ah well, maybe I’ll submit the review to a magazine. I hear they pay good money for shit like this.
Squeakfeather is now wearing the lobster’s head like a hat, and it’s quite disturbing.
Posted by Sam Bowring at 11:46 PM | Comments (0)
December 06, 2005
Tundra
I remember a fellow I knew. He was working for a telephone company, going door to door. He came to a nice looking house, knocked on the door. It was answered right away by a young woman with tears in her eyes and hope on her face. Upon seeing who it was, her expression immediately turned to sadness.
The fellow knew she’d thought he was going to be someone else. Maybe her boyfriend or husband had stormed out but moments before, vowing never to return? Who knows.
‘Might not they still be coming?’ he asked. She stared at him a moment, shook her head, then shut the door. He wondered how many more knocks she would rush to answer.
He quit his job later that day.
I don't know what he saw reflected in her eyes to make him do that.
I run dirt through my fingers, dirt that is almost sand, very nearly. In the distance waves are crashing, high tide below a boundary of springy bushes that look like tumbeweeds standing still.
Posted by Sam Bowring at 11:11 PM | Comments (0)