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January 25, 2006
Old File
I was going through my old files, and I found something which Jake and I wrote together when we must have been around 17. I like finding this ol’ childish comedy stuff.
The TRUTH of CLICHES
Cats cannot be killed by strong personality traits, but yes by bows and arrows which can be constructed out of common household objects.
Don’t place your hopes and dreams on the possibility that chickens might arrive.
To accept that a rolling stone gathers no moss one must assume that there is endless hill, which is absolute bullshit. And that’s that.
Every dog has its day, unless the dog exists in a bizarre night world. Note: Could still apply, if bizarre night world had some cataclysmic event which created a day-like anomaly, in which case the dog would become confused, and perhaps very scared.
Good things come to those who wait, provided your idea of waiting is working constantly.
It’s a small world, and there more and more people on it everyday. Soon we will have to eat each other to stay alive. Are you prepared?
Every cloud has a silver lining, caused by atmospheric pressure and reflection of light - but not every situation has good possibilities.
Time is not adequate medical treatment for severe injuries, and conversely, medical treatment does not solve time/space anomalies.
Sam and Jake’s New Obvious Clichés for People On the Move
1) If you are ugly, people won’t like you.
2) A lot of noise makes cooking difficult
3) What goes up must come down, except for objects which achieve or exceed orbit.
4) A glass that is half full is half full not empty because empty is not a quantitative mass.
5) Many people want to become a star, but it is unlikely that you will.
6) If you do something wrong, something good or bad may come of it.
7) Three is pleasant amount of friends.
8) Make the RIGHT decision or you’ll feel bad later.
9) Work hard and one day you will be rewarded, perhaps.
10) Death comes to many different people, in many different ways; you should hope that your death is not too horrible. The postman also comes to many different people. Therefore the postman is similar to death. You should also hope that your postman is not too horrible.
11) A watched pot will take the same amount of time to boil as a regular pot. A human watching a pot will, however, become bored easily, and this will make it seem like it’s taking forever.
12) If someone loves you, and you love them back, you may still be very unhappy.
13) Sometimes two people love each other very much. Then one of them loses an eye and the other doesn’t find them attractive anymore. It’s sad but it happens. Just not very often.
14) Practice will make you frustratingly mediocre.
15) Try not to give birth to deaf children, as their lives will not be as full an experience as normal children, and we can say that because they’re stupid.
16) Absence makes genetalia more wanten.
17) If familiarity breeds contempt, then how do you get familiarity?
18) There is a light at the end of the tunnel, unless it is a dead end, in which case, only death awaits. Or the tunnels light source has shut down. In which case, other motorists may become a hindrance.
19) It takes a village to raise a child. It also takes a village to kill a rogue giant. Villages are useful.
20) It takes a village to raise a child, but only one peadophile to sexually abuse many children. Pedophiles are more efficient than villages.
21) It takes a village to raise a severely emotionally damaged child, who believes they have many different parents of differing temperaments, one of whom is a blacksmith.
22) Good things don’t come to those who wait, it’s just that the person has been sitting on the couch for so long that they are amused by anything.
Posted by Sam Bowring at January 25, 2006 05:18 PM