conversations
Some of our e-newsletters take the form of absurd conversations. Here are our favourites:Bourke and Wills
The Haircut
The Magnifying Glass
The Shakespearean Bathroom Clean
Summer and Sandcastles
Sam's Birthday
The Melbourne Cup
18/8/04- Bourke and Wills
Bourke: I think we're lost.Wills: I knew we should have asked for directions at that servo.
Bourke: Let's see ... that direction seems to be ... desert.
Wills: Mmm.
Bourke: And so does that way.
Wills: Mmm.
Bourke: And that way too. Maybe we should look at the map.
Wills: Good idea.
Bourke: Okay, so we're here ... and we should be there. Which way is east? I can never remember.
Wills: It's easy, see - Never Eat Soggy Weetbix.
Bourke: Hey, that's neat. I wish we had some soggy weetbix, though. Or any kind of liquid. We're in a bit of a bind here, Wills.
Wills: I think we've known each other long enough for you to call me by my first name.
Bourke: I didn't know we had any.
Wills: Hey look! Look over there! It's a pub!
Bourke: That's a mirage, Wills.
Wills: It says 'The Friend in Hand Hotel'! Hey, that's just what we need! Some comedy to lift our spirits!
Bourke: How about some water to lift our chance of living?
Wills: Laughter will lift us up where we belong!
Bourke: I'll lift you up where you belong, in a moment.
Wills: Hey, Dave Williams is on! He's really good!
Bourke: Aaaraargh. (dies of thirst)
9/9/04 - The Haircut
Sam: Hi Kent.Kent: Hi Sam.
Sam: Hey, I like the new haircut.
Kent: Thanks. I like your new haircut too.
Sam: Cool. Hey, do you think we'll be funnier now?
Kent: What, now that we have less hair?
Sam: Yeah.
Kent: Nah.
Sam: I see what you mean.
7/10/04 - The Magnifying Glass
Sam: Hey Kent, look at this magnifying glass I bought.Kent: That's pretty cool. How much?
Sam: $70.
Kent: That's a fair bit for a magnifying glass.
Sam: I know. But it's a good magnifying glass. It's treasure.
Kent: I guess you can use it to see how empty your wallet is.
Sam: Yes, and burn leaves.
Kent: Well, that is important.
Sam: It's such a good magnifying glass, if you burned ants with it, you could see the expressions on their little burning faces. I don't burn ants though. That's mean.
Kent: Very.
Sam: Burning Kent on the other hand ...
Kent: AAAAAAA!
Sam: Don't worry you big wuss. We're inside. It won't burn you. What an overreaction.
Kent: No it wasn't, you just saw it through a magnifying glass, so the scream seemed bigger.
Sam: Hey, maybe we should take it to the Mic in Hand. It will make the audience seem massive.
Kent: Maybe it will make your laughs seem louder.
Sam: F**k off Kent you idiot.
13/10/04 The Shakespearean Bathroom Clean
Kent: Out, damn spot!Sam: What are you doing?
Kent: Why, I cleaneth the bathroom, good pilgrim!
Sam: Why are you wearing that hat with a feather in it?
Kent: I'm cleaning the bathroom 'as Shakespeare'. Hark! Be that a whorl of fuzz hair in the plughole?
Sam: You do pick your times, don't you?
Kent: And from whence, pray, is this speck of distemper derived?
Sam: You know that I need to use the bathroom at this time. It's 3:15!
Kent: 3:15?
Sam: Yes! Almost time for my daily jaunt down to the French delicatessen for my cup of raspberry-peach tea. So get out, I have to make sure my eyebrows are on straight.
Kent: As you can see, good sir, the bath itself is the present target of mine scrubbing. I would not hinder you if you choose to avail yourself of the mirror.
Sam: I can't do it with you watching.
Kent: Believe me sir, I do not find it fascinating enough for that to be a problem.
Sam: Hmf. Alright. (looks in mirror) They're fine.
Kent: Glad to hear it. Now, if sir would kindly step aside, this be a sink which demands attention!
Sam: That sounds kinda formal or something, but it's not exactly 'Shakespearean', is it Kent Valentine?
Kent: Getteth out! Go have your cup of wank tea.
Sam: No, you've made me twist my eyebrows in anger now. They'll be all kinked. I have to check them again.
Kent: Hey, this isn't our bathroom.
28/10/04 - Summer and Sandcastles
Sam: Ah Summer! A time to build castles in the sand, frolic in sun beams and cook eggs on rocks!Kent: It's not really summer yet. It's still Spring.
Sam: Oh, sweet Summer! A time to picnic 'twixt gum trees, slide down dunes on cardboard, and roast apples in tin cans.
Kent: What? No one does that. Anyway, it's Spring.
Sam: Oh Kent, you're just crazy because of all the swim suits walking around.
Kent: Rubbish.
Sam: You are. I've heard you muttering to yourself. 'I like the polka dot ones the best' you say. 'Don't have to work so hard imagining nipples' you say.
Kent: You need to stop inhaling printer fumes.
Sam: My question is, do you pick one well placed dot and imagine that's the nipple, or do you imagine there are girls walking around with upwards of ten nipples on each breast?
Kent: At least I don't catch a whole bunch of blowflies and pin them to an orange by their wings, still alive, to make some kind of horrible crawling torture orange and walk around proclaiming myself 'Lord of the Flies'.
Sam: I only did that a few times.
Kent: My gran wasn't impressed.
Sam: It's the citrus slowly leaking into their wounds that makes them crack. 'We have ways of making you buzz', ahaha.
Kent: Why don't you piss off and build a sandcastle.
Sam: I could install a fly dungeon.
Kent: Yeah, and then the tide would come in and flood it.
Sam: No, my dungeon would strictly adhere to the Geneva convention.
Kent: Speaking of the Geneva convention, why don't we check out some comedy this Thursday?
Sam: Good idea!
4/11/04 - Sam's Birthday
Sam: Hey Kent, it's my birthday this Thursday!Kent: Great.
Sam: C'mon, get excited!
Kent: Why? You hate birthdays. You ritually forget the birthday of anyone and everyone who cares about you. You grouch about having to buy presents and getting your schedule interrupted.
Sam: Yes, but this is MY birthday!
Kent: Okay, well, on the day I promise to be excited.
Sam: You promise to be my SLAVE!
Kent: What?
Sam: You have to do whatever I say on my birthday. If I say 'jump', you say ...
Kent: 'F*ck off'?
Sam: No, you say, 'Yes Mr Sam, whatever you say Mr Birthday Sam'. Let's have a practice.
Kent: No.
Sam: Jump!
Kent: It's not your birthday yet, and I do NOT have to be your slave even if it was.
Sam: You be careful or I'll have you thrown overboard, and you'll take down this whole chain of negros with you.
Kent: This house is NOT a 16th century illegal slave trader, no matter how much pot you smoke.
Sam: Mutinous dog!
Kent: Hey, weren't you meant to have achieved all kinds of things by 25 that you are not even close to achieving?
Sam: * sob *
Kent: Oh. I'm sorry. That was a bit harsh.
Sam: Report to the quartermaster immediately for ten lashes.
11/4/04 - The Melbourne Cup
Kent: So did you win any money on the Melbourne Cup?Sam: The what?
Kent: The Melbourne Cup. You know? The massively popular annual world famous horse race?
Sam: Is it the one with the funny hats?
Kent: Yes.
Sam: Hmm. I dunno. Did Mic in Hand have an office sweep that I don't know about?
Kent: No.
Sam: I guess I didn't win anything then. That's all right. But you know who the real winner is?
Kent: No.
Sam: Democracy.
Kent: Listen, I thought I should tell you - I myself won a great deal of money. Almost too much.
Sam: Really?
Kent: Yes. Consequently I've decided to have you replaced with a robot.
Sam: Why?
Kent: I think a robot would be less obnoxious.
Sam: Well good luck when it breaks its programming and turns against you.
The Real Sam walks in
Real Sam: Hi Kent. Hey what do you think of my new robot? I bet it had you fooled, you idiot.
Kent: What?
Real Sam: Yeah. I won a whole bunch of money on the Melbourne Cup in the office sweep and had this robot replica of myself built. I figure if someone has to sit in this office all day being bored to tears by you, why not an android? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to retire and move to Rome.
Robot Sam: Die, humans!